Who do you turn to when your best friend, the man you choose to share your life with and the man you thought was your soul mate finds his love, happiness and peace elsewhere?
I try so hard to right my wrongs. And make up my short comings. And it never feels like enough.
And it’s a stab in the heart when he isn’t trying to do the same things to save our marriage. And spends more energy trying to fix her and his relationship with her.
How do you walk away when he is all that you ever wanted?
My “tag line” used to say “Delicate Chaos”.
Fuck that shit. I am not delicate. I have survived enough to be considered a strong woman.
It’s time to slow it down.
Time to live in the here and now.
It’s time to enjoy me.
And the person I’ve been fighting to be.
I won’t be perfect. I can’t.
But there is so much more to being me.
And happiness is always within reach.
I’m strong enough.
In a sick sort of way, I feel justified. I don’t feel crazy. My instincts and bad omens that I was trying to convince myself were fabrications of my imagination… they were not fantasy. I have good instincts and I need to listen to them.
I don’t want to live this life of secrets and mistrust. I’ve already done that before and it was draining.
I prefer living in a world of complete openness and honesty. Even if it’s not the popular choice. If one has to lie, even a little white lie, it’s not the right thing to do. I choose a world where there is courage and strength to do what is right for not only oneself, but just as important– the ones we love.
I have a tough path ahead of me. I have to learn to trust again. And forgive. And a lot of self discovery. I’ve already done so much of that, I’m almost sick of thinking about myself. But I know it’s the only way to pure happiness.
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” –Maya Angelou
I’m feeling very alone today.
Even surrounded by people.
Inhale white light.
This too shall pass.
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”
My friend (who is so enlightened, she literally glows) just posted this quote on Facebook. I was reading it, and the second half seemed to be in caps and screaming at me. So I reread it again. And my breath was caught short.
“…not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.”
Using that as a guideline and thinking about my life, especially the past year, I am realizing just how easier I could have made it for myself.
Being married to a complicated man is not easy. His brain never stops. He never stops pushing his boundaries. This can be exhausting to keep up with. But using this new tidbit of knowledge, I should be able to approach it differently. For example, I could look at his polyamorous attitude as an unending capacity to love. His heart never stops giving.
I’ve been having a self inflicted pity party lately. Poor me. He did this to me. Bla bla bla. But in doing that, I’ve back tracked any progress I had made in bringing out the goddess inside. I went from being an amazing, well-rounded woman… to a sniveling, jealous brat. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what choices he makes. Who he falls in love with. Who he shares his inner self with. If he doesn’t choose me, it’s not my issue. It’s his choice. And I can think he’s making the wrong choice, but I can’t let it affect my inner peace. Sure this means I have to adjust my idea of an “ideal” marriage. Which at this point, I feel like marriage is the M word. But by staying in the marriage, I accept him as he is.
My inner lioness is roaring right now. I’m on fire.
I’ve applied for financial aid. I am yearning to go back to school. Learn some skills. Become independent. By knowing I can take care of myself and my kids and am not financially dependent on one person, I know I will be more satisfied. And maybe he will start to see my worth too. Because I know I am the complete package. 🙂
Today is a good day. I feel alive. And love is flowing. This wonder woman CAN take on the world. AND conquer it.
Alone if needs be.
I am a beautiful, courageous, innocent woman. I am enough.